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Midnight mumbling

It’s midnight. Duh!

I was sipping Necto a little while ago, my new favourite drink, maybe because of the medium sugar content and the funny incomplete taste about it that makes me want to drink more and more. All day long I have been typing and researching, going through the most boring information I can ever find for my bloody thesis. I finally decided to give it a rest at 2,000 words with 12,000 more to go. Mind you, introduction is usually the easy part. I fear to think of the rest of it.

I tend to be paranoid as I’m always someone that has to get things done perfectly right. When I work on something like an assignment, I save a copy on my pen-drive, I save it on my google drive or gmail, and I mail it to my office account too. Sometimes I even save a copy on my phone just till it’s uploaded to the student portal and it’s completed.

I also tend to have a bit of OCD. I’m used to doing things a certain way. I’m used to seeing things a certain way. One day a few years ago I walked into my room after a long day at work and it looked very unfamiliar. Everything was moved around, the things on my table, dressing table and cupboards were re-arranged. I flipped. I felt like I was losing my mind and I just sat down with tears pouring down my cheeks. I wanted to scream. I took a little time, removed my shoes and started rearranging everything. It took till past midnight. When everything was the way I was used to seeing them, I was fine. If I did the re-arranging myself in the beginning or if it was instructed by me, it would have been alright. My mum realised that I had this issue and she either warns me or tells me what will be done, in advance and that helps.

I also have the need to triple check everything. I also don’t have a lot of patience when it comes to work. I am very fast in my work and people have realised that. My mum believed it when someone read that in my horoscope, that stupid piece of paper! For eg: If I’m going to make a presentation for a client, I need to go through it a few times to ensure that I haven’t missed anything. Then instead of just taking it in a pen drive, I copy it into a laptop and go through it again atleast twice. After reaching the place of the presentation, I check again. This way, I believe I reduce the chance of having to face any nasty surprises.

Sometimes it is exhausting to be me, with my need to be perfect and my ways of doing things. But I guess that is what makes me better at the things I do. But what surprises me is that for the first time in my entire life, I just want to get the MBA done with minimum effort and someday I hope I don’t regret it.

It is midnight and I can’t sleep. Where did I go wrong in the last 6-7 years. All the choices I make don’t seem to be the best. Is there anything called the best choice? Or is it a notion we create for ourselves based on the level of happiness and satisfaction we get from what we experience? How exactly does it work?

Is there something called being at the right place at the wrong time? Or being in the wrong place at the wrong time? How can the time be wrong if the place was wrong anyway?

Being sensitive can be horrible. It’s a killer. It’s a wrecking ball, like Miley Cyrus once sang. But what will it take to change that?

It can hurt sometimes, when someone talks about things they have done with A,B,C and how awesome it was with D,E and how F was just what was needed. And somewhere down the line, you seem lost. You never made it to the list. You could never get their time or attention the way the others did. Then how does it work? Is it to be blamed on timing? Or after everything, does it seem like the effort wouldn’t be worth it to them? Where there’s a will there’s a way, isn’t it? What on earth is it? Being patient is one thing but being insensitive towards someone who’s trying to be patient, how does that work? It wouldn’t have been intentional. But it sure does suck.

My weakness is I’m always trying to do more for others than I do for myself. I wanted to get so many things instead I opted to buy bday presents and got something my mum really wanted. Funny thing is, I don’t even regret it. There’s an amazing feeling in giving selflessly. I have made it a habit to give money to the cleaning lady in office that I once talked about. I think to myself that I’m only letting go of a coffee outing when I give her money.

My mum used to do a lot for me when I was younger and dependent. The only regret and sadness I have is that I couldn’t do anything for the man who raised me and did everything for me and gave me all I ever needed. All I can do is give him merit, but how do I even know that that system is right and that there is a circle of life? If it’s true, how do I know that it’s working?

Questions. Question.

oh well, perhaps it’s time to watch something and let the thoughts slip away one night at a time.

I almost forgot how therapeutic writing was. I miss my old blog and the fan-base I had. I wonder how everyone is doing.

 

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Sudden thoughts

I want a Rottweiler or a labrador. And I want to call him Romeo. For he shall be with me till death do us apart.

Ok, back to my thesis. I’m losing my mind with this. WHY OH WHY did no one stop me when I was going to start this!! Sigh. 

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Listen. Read. Feel.

I hate you, I love you,
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to but I can’t put nobody else above you
I hate you, I love you,
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her

All alone I watch you watch her
Like she’s the only girl you’ve ever seen
You don’t care you never did
You don’t give a damn about me
Yeah all alone I watch you watch her
She is the only thing you ever see
How is it you never notice
That you are slowly killing me

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Hope

Since the current job doesn’t seem to be working well for me, I have gotten myself into another one.

One thing I hate facing is the handing over of the resignation letter because they have always tried to convince me for hours to stay back. I really hope AI can stand my ground with this one for they depend more on me than I depend on them. 

I realised that it was just not working for me and I have been so frustrated, angry and sad for taking it out on people that mean the world to me. 

However, a new job doesn’t mean my issues will be sorted. It only means that I will have new ones to deal with, hopefully ones I can deal with. 

But on the plus side, one of the girls who studied with me in school will be joining as well and it’ll be good to have each others back. 

It’s never easy, is it. Maybe if I wasn’t ambitious and too concerned about what I did or concerned about what people did, I may have been ok in this horrible world. 

When I told my mum that the people who struggled to ruin things for me in office are having the worst time of their lives at work with no one to help them and are suddenly dependant on me, she was happy that they were suffering. 

But I wasn’t. I reminded her not to be happy when someone else is suffering because that is not humanity, nor is it kindness. Even if it’s someone who did something horrible to you, never rejoice in their pain and suffering. This is what makes you the bigger person. In my case it might be figuratively and literally. 

But I feel relieved. So relieved that I started on my thesis. And I feel excited about it. Not the new job, the thesis. 

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Self doubt

Yesterday while I was talking about myself, a CEO realised how much of talent I have. 

I have known but doubted myself a lot. I thought being too confident would make me stop learning and trying to be better.

But yesterday I realised what a waste of talent I am… I do nothing about myself. I need to finish the damn MBA and do things, many things… 

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