Confessions

  • I still get excited by McDonalds kids meal toys.
  • I have a massive shoe collection, which I don’t seem to use.
  • If I get upset about something,  I simply cannot sleep that night.
  • The first thing I have started to do after I get paid, is donate to people helping dogs that are in need of help and care.
  • There’s a person on my level at work who doesn’t talk to me or even see my existence. I’m fine with it. It’s weird coz I’ve never experienced it before. But I envy the fact that she gets massive bouquets of gorgeous flowers from someone almost once a week. That’s a little too much but I sometimes think ‘WOW’…. There’s nothing to feel jealous coz I don’t think I’ll get that…
  • I have started to LOVE bubble tea.
  • I have come to a point where I actually don’t know what to do with my life.
  • Will I get what I want? Will I get something better? Will I get something worse? I tend to wonder.

Just once….

‘Special’ isn’t always special

I volunteer to teach special needs kids on Saturdays as that’s the only free day I can use to commit to do this regularly.

It’s been over 2 years now and I have learned a lot and taught a lot.

I can only imagine what those parents go through. They always come with a smile and some show a lot of love. But I can only imagine how they put up with it day and night. Do they sleep at night when they think about what will happen to them one day when they are no more? Do they wonder if their child will ever have a future? Do they burn deep inside because their kids are different and they have a difficult time with a society who looks down on such adorable children? I can only imagine the answers to these…

Spending time with them as a teacher is difficult, heartbreaking sometimes, fun and a beautiful experience. You learn so much from them. And when they learn to do something, it brings inexplicable joy that one simply cannot put into words.

Sometimes waking up on a Saturday morning after a horrible Friday at work is difficult. The trouble of dragging myself out of bed and going to teach with gastritis and headaches is so worth it when the teaching begins. Even if a child learns to say his or her name, it’s a huge achievement. And when they insist on giving you a hug and a kiss before leaving, it really brightens your day.

There are parents who sends us chocolates and cake simply because they are happy. Because they see the kids becoming better. Because we help them have a little hope in life.

I always thought that this was just a teaching experience. But then I realised that it’s much much more than that…

#word 

A friend randomly sent this… I don’t know why. 

Last year this time….

Last year this time, I was happy.

Last year this time, I adopted a dog.

Last year this time, I worked on an international project, not something everyone can say in the industry I work in.

Last year this time, I was staying fit. I used to jog after work and feel good.

Last year this time, I didn’t know what this year was going to be like….

That must be love

There’s a couple in my dept. They have been going out for 2 years now and they are always together. One helps the other when stuck with work, they play a lot of games as the guy is into gaming and the girl has gotten into it too and so much more.

He does everything you could ever think of. He knows her inside out and spoils her so much. They’re both lovely people and close to me and trust me so we hang out sometimes with a few others as well. He knows what she will like and what to get her to eat… he gets her breakfast everything or wakes up early morning to make some form of grilled sandwiches for both of them.. and the list goes on…

I actually see more effort from him than from her. He takes her places for dinner or lunch or dates, anniversaries, bdays etc…

If she works late, he would hang around and drop her home when she’s done and then get home and they are a huge distance away from each other.

Enough said. You get the drift.

The closest I’ll ever get to having this is watching people like this I guess…

Loneliness

Ever since I was a child, loneliness is something I have known too well.

I always thought my parents would never get me, so I used to bury myself in books and the only way they helped was by buying me all the books I wanted and by taking me to a children’s library every weekend.

My friends were mostly foreign and we all had different lifestyles. So connecting with them wasn’t the easiest thing to do. Some of the kids used to hate me coz I was the 1st in class and they couldn’t stand it. I never really understood why coz at the end of the day, it’s the amount of effort you put in.

Then came my brother. I loved him to bits. In the middle of all the fights, we had our interests in chocolates and movies. I got him into the habit of reading and he used to read all my old books.

The move to SL didn’t really help either. I hated it. But when I started to build good friendships I started to be okay with it.

After school came Uni and I made a few good friends and alot of normal friends. This is also when my dad died and when I couldn’t sleep for months, the few good friends would take turns to stay up and talk to me till morning just to make sure I wasn’t feeling sad alone.

After Uni came work life. It just wasn’t easy. I could never be happy. I had the need to work hard and turned into a workoholic thinking it’ll help me get by.

Relationships were just not for me. I just don’t really know why…

Along the way I have met so many people, made friends and deep down I know I have changed as a person. People think I’m a really cool, fun, funny, kind hearted, smart and independent girl who has everything under control.

What no one knows is what a lonely life I’ve lived and continue to live every step of the way.

All of the above were filled with loneliness. Loneliness that cannot be explained in words or expressed in any other way. Loneliness that destroys you and makes you wonder what life is doing to you. Loneliness that shows you the temporary nature of happiness and how you can never depend on it.

Now, at the age of 30 something, I’m still feeling the loneliness.Being governed and controlled by a super conservative, strict and hypochondriac mum isn’t something you want to be stuck with. This only makes it worse.

I always have this feeling….. that I will never get away from this loneliness. I might grow to be the 50 year old dog lady that lives alone with 3 dogs and has no family or life. The 5o year old lady who has never been married, not known what it is to compromise, or to live with someone you love and probably hate too at the same time (or sometimes), or have kids, or go through hardships in life, or make difficult decisions, or worry about the future and so on…

I feel like I have just lost all or any hope I ever had. I don’t even pray now. I only do it when my mum worries about it and asks me why I don’t do it anymore.

If I could choose, this is definitely not the life I want. My achievements in life mean nothing at times like this.

I wish I knew a little more about the happier side of life and what it would be like to have the things I want and not feel so lonely all the time.

To let go….

…. is the most difficult thing to do.

There are no instructions or a manual to follow. There is no perfect advice. There is no quick method to overcome it.

To let go, is the most difficult thing to do. ..

TGIF

During a random conversation in office I told a bunch of colleagues that I have never been to TGI Fridays. 

They were determined to take me there the same day. 

While the work was going on in the evening, they managed to find time to go with me.

I felt happy and sad at the same time.

I love the place! I think it’s going to be my new favourite place. 

Most of all, I loved the effort from a bunch of people who are beginning to be friends. Lovely bunch. 

Dear gastritis 

Why are you making my life miserable today….. 

The Reluctant Traveler

In search of a good cup of tea

musingsfromtheashes

Writing To Cleanse My Soul

The Complete Chronicles Of Chaos

Forgotten fragments of Eden and the lexis of Chaos

LEGION OF THE DAMNED

~captured in a world formed by myself~